The Colors of Grief

THIS book is wonderful. I wish I would have read it before we adopted Lottie and Emma but I didn't and sometimes even when I feel I have read something "too late" it is really not too late, it may be just the right time that I needed to hear those words. For an adoptive mom, I have learned much about grief from my little ones. We all lose someone eventually in life. Some of us have lost loved ones throughout our lives for different reasons but I was specifically looking for a book that could help me understand their loss in a different way. I have not finished the book yet, I (ahem) have very little "free time" but I wanted to jot some thoughts down.

Lottie suffered from this tragic loss on the day she was born, her "birth" day. I have always known that the anger my sweet girl feels is from this day. The second loss she suffered from was the day we met her when we took her from everything she knew.

Emma was a different story. Emma suffered loss when she was 17 months old, when her first mom had to put her in a children's home and then again when she was 18 months old, when she was removed from the home by her first mom and taken to an adoption agency. Then she suffered loss again when she was removed from her first foster family and then her second foster family and she even suffered loss from the short 23 hours she traveled with a Korean student to meet us in a Texas airport. That was a short relationship for her.....but still....that was loss. I was there and I remember her suffering.

The book describes the initial loss as this "Someone never returned, a very important, very precious person to who she "was" and who she would "become"-a critical, essential person in her every day life.  A dark looming cloud fell over her world, forcing her to take a journey of recovery from her very deep wound." Most of our little ones were abandoned on the day they were born. Don't think for one second that our children didn't know the feel of their mother's touch or the sound of their voices. They knew that.....they felt it every day they were in their womb. The author goes on to say, "Losing a primary caregiver-ESPECIALLY the mother- ESPECIALLY when the child is young can the the MOST difficult grief to heal, because the child's entire life picture has drastically shifted.  Her world has shattered.  Her beliefs have been shaken.  Flooded with strong and confusing emotions the child may shut down or fall into despair.  Raw emotions abound.  Infants cry.  Toddlers scream and throw tantrums." (emphasis was mine)

I have read books upon books upon books to my girls that will prompt questions inside of their hearts about their experiences. They are completely different. Emma has stories of fantasy about her first mom...well...some could be true, I don't know but I just listen to her and smile along with her because she loves to tell these stories. They always change. For over six years, Lottie only wants to hear "her story" from the day we met her. Never wanting to talk about her time in the orphanage or her mother. Do I know anything about that time? No, unfortunately I don't but does she need to talk about it? Absolutely! Last week, she did. She finally asked the hard questions and guess what? She is mad! She is so angry inside about what happened to her. I won't share all that she said because these are her private feelings and trust me....THIS is one private child! But I will share one feeling because it is important for adoptive parents and friends and family of adoptive parents to hear this. I did not give her this thought. I have never even told her about the "one child policy" or that only girls were abandoned. All of us know what our children can handle and she is way too sensitive to process that at seven years of age. She only knows her mother could not, for reasons unknown to us, take care of her. Before I tell you, I want to stress that you be honest with your children but be sure you only tell them what they are emotionally mature enough to handle. Only you know your child and her heart. Please be careful with their story. So, the other night we were laying in bed after our prayers and singing time and she wanted to ask me some questions. This took a very long time for her. She kept putting her blankie over her head.....she hid in the covers....she thought I was going to think she was "weird" etc. Do you see how hard this is for them? I kept assuring her that these are her feelings and they belong to her. She has every right to feel whatever she is feeling.

She finally told me.

She finally said it aloud for the world to hear.

She is mad.

She is angry mad!

She asked me all about the day the "stranger" found her (although she never asked where) and how do they know that was the day she was born. We talked all about the umbilical cord and how doctors can examine it and measure it to see the age of a baby. Well, then she was furious and began crying. I held her for the longest time and then she said this:

"Mommy, if that is true and the day they found me was my real birthday. That means I didn't get to spend ONE.WHOLE.DAY with my Mom. I am so mad at China. I do not like them."

Do you see that? Do you feel that? I'm her Mom and I feel it! I feel that anger and sadness.....ohhhh how I wish I had answers for her and I assured her that I was mad at them too because anything that breaks my baby girl's heart....breaks mine also. My daughter's are happy most of the time but something....anything can happen and wham...Emma has gone inside of herself or just silently cries or Lottie has an emotional breakdown. Over what? I never know. It just happens. Who knows what it is....it could be a smell or a phrase they hear or something in a movie they watch. The thing is....they don't even know the trigger...it just comes back....like a wave of sadness.

Why am I sharing these intimate things with you? Because I want you to LOOK for their grief. "Grief is a difficult journey.  Grief is not logical. No one chooses to be sad.  One just feels it.  Grief ungulfs us like a sudden eruption as our heart spills over."

Do you remember the day you met your adopted child? I mean....really remember....through their eyes. This next part of the book will sting a little and I don't want anyone to be hurt or beat themselves up for it but just try to read it through the eyes of your child. "These children (from China) are often brought wearing 3-4 layers of clothing even in the heat of August.  When the new parents take the child up to the hotel room, some parents begin to remove often smelly, sweaty and dirty layers of clothes and bathe the naked child, believing that doing so will allow their newly adopted daughter or son to "feel much better". BUT with each layer of clothes being removed, the child experiences a "derobement" of familiarity, the hidden regulators wrapped in these pieces of clothing-familiar scents, textures that were stroked, twisted and pulled; temperatures and weights from the layers; colors and patters that were visually explored; and tastes from sucking and picking. Stripped of her clothing the child's physical loss generates a deep insecurity.  So much of what she knew is gone.  So much of what is present is foreign.  The layers of clothes contained "connections" to home and family; safety and security." Now, I will say that I think some adoptive parents are very naive about this but I believe it to be true....every single word!

I will never forget the smell of my girls when I first held them....ever. It was a sweaty, dirty, sweet sort of smell and I was never offended by it. I had waited to hold them for so long that when I buried my nose in their little necks and breathed all of them in......I felt like I knew who they were. Lottie came to us in little green pj's...no socks...no layers...that's it. Her little monkey toes were so dirty. I thought she had large dark birthmarks across her neck, legs and tummy but it was dirt....that had been there a long time. She never cried. She just stared at all of us....soaking in the moment....storing everything in her mind. She was traumatized.....scared out of her mind but this is how she deals with fear. She is quiet and analytical. She is a thinker. When we got to the hotel, we fed her and we tried to put her to sleep in the crib. She began to sob so I scooped her up and put her beside me in the bed....she began to sob. So I picked her up in her little green pj's and put her on top of me with her little dirty face on my chest so she could hear my heartbeat....and she fell asleep rocking herself and sucking her thumb. I remember going to sleep with the smell of her hair in my face and crying....silently...because I knew that she laid on a piece of plywood each night for nine months rocking herself to sleep and sucking her thumb with a little towel. She still has those pj's and we have never washed them. We have them here in Mexico with us in my top drawer, they mean something to her. Smell is very important to Lottie, I have talked about that before.She just now stopped sucking her thumb but she will do it if she is very upset. This is sort of a pet peeve of mine and just my own personal opinion but don't take that away from your adopted child....that way of soothing themselves. I have read blogs where people try to get rid of the paci's or stop them from sucking their thumbs while they are still in China, I don't understand that....I really don't.

We met Emma in an airport in Austin, Texas. She flew in with a Korean student who went to UT. She clung to her. In that short 24 hours, she had grown even an attachment to this precious young woman. One might I add who smelled and spoke just like they did in her family. When the student finally had to leave, Emma began screaming .... and screamed and screamed. I was frantically going through her bag trying to find something that would be familiar to her and I grabbed a white blankie, I laid it over her face for her to smell and she passed out....cold.  She woke up when we got to Dallas with a big smile on her face. Was Emma suffering like Lottie? Yep....but she handles it differently. Emma escapes from her feelings by acting like nothing is happening. She flees from all of her feelings! She goes deep inside of herself and just stays there. She kicked and screamed in that airport fighting her way back to where she came from....she was not having any of it....I was perspiring all over the place....she was strong and determined and then finally she decided...okay...I'm out of here....and passed out. 

"When trauma occurs, a child unconsciously builds an invisible wall to hide her pain and shut out terror.  To lose their primary caretaker (mom, grandmother, foster mom, nanny) as an infant shocks the undeveloped mind and body and instills a lingering fear of abandonment.  This develops into insecurity.  Insecurity is often accompanied by an anxious belief that "It could happen again". Lottie has never verbalized these words to me but her actions show it and we are working on this in a fierce way. Trust is a long and winding road:)

People say to me that there is no way, especially Lottie, can have memories or feelings that she remembers from that day. WRONG!!! (insert buzzer sound here)  "A 0-2 year old physically experience the facts of a significant loss, because of the abrupt removal of the hidden regulators which causes the child's body to become dysregulated. The body remembers even when the child lacks the explicit memory that has yet to emerge".

They remember, they don't know the details if they were brought into your family at an early age....but they remember those feelings. They are stored in their memories in a way that I will never understand. They can be brought back up to the surface by an new trauma in their life. New teachers; new school, new friends. new...anything.

This loss doesn't go away. Yes.....love can heal many things and I believe in a Savior that can heal anyone but we have to be able to see our child's pain and grief. Is your child ever upset or blow up for no apparent reason and after explosion or melt down you wonder where in the world that came from? They don't have the words to verbalize their feelings because they didn't have the words when it happened. We have too look for these moments....we have to be there to prompt questions and read them books....we cannot turn our heads the other way and think that our love fixes everything because it doesn't.....it just doesn't. Their little minds cannot even begin to grasp what happened to them until they are at least 20 years old. Please don't wait until then to educate yourself on loss.....if you look....very closely.....you will be able to see your child's world through their eyes. Take the time to really listen to what is in their hearts....they are dying inside for you to know......they need to trust you with the most important detail of their precious little lives. Make sure that door is always open.

The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard but must be felt with the heart (Author Unknown)

Thumbprints, fasting and praying!

 We have discovered the funnest items for creativity! I was exploring all over the internet for different ways  the girls can get their hands dirty and have fun at the same time. Now that may sound easy for your children but both of mine have sensory issues and this is really hard for them. So, while we were in Texas we bought some Melissa & Doug stamp pads and a Drawing book for thumbprints. The girls love them! Of course, we have a box of baby wipes right by their little tables for wiping off the ink:)

 Lottie has an incredible imagination. See how much fun she had? She made a lion for a sun and she made a little tienda outside where people were lined up to buy tacos for only 10 pesos.  What a bargain!  She has a little forest on the left with a Mexican cactus and even a snail on the flower.

She also made a knight riding on his horse to kill a dragon!  Oh and the blue fingerprints above are raindrops:)

Emma doesn't enjoy it as much as Lottie but she is trying. This is a mermaid family. Anytime that Emma draws anything....there is a Daddy, a Mommy, and a little girl:) Always! Check out the beak on the little baby bird in the tree! Emma was so upset because she said she messed up, they are both perfectionists (sigh). We giggled together when I told her that his beak was so big because he liked giant fat worms! 

There are many different types of these books and we can't wait to get some more when we go back home! Your kids will love them and for us ....they are wonderful sensory activities:)

After much thought......I have decided to fast and pray for 30 days.  I have never fasted before for a long period of time.  I have noticed since I came back from Texas that I am drinking way too much Diet Coke, craving sugar, potatoes and bread. Those are all comfort foods...and drink (well, not as much as Diet Mountain Dew...but I digress) and my focus needs to be elsewhere....on the Lord. So...you ask...what is fasting?

I'm certain there are tons of way that people fast and pray and often times I'm sure it is not even a spiritual type of event.  For me, fasting will be a way to give up something that I am depending on to make me feel content when what I really should be doing is focusing on prayer and fellowship with God.  What I am really trying to do is force myself to focus and rely on God for strength, provision and wisdom.  I know you must be thinking, why does a missionary have to force herself to focus on God? Well, because I am human and I live among people who are desperate in more ways than you can imagine and often....I just feel darkness all around me and I yearn to just feel the light of Jesus shining so brightly down on me that I think of nothing else except Him.

I have been searching through the bible for the different scriptures and situations regarding fasting and praying. Moses fasted for 40 days and 40 nights on Mount Sanai when he was receiving the laws from God. (Exodus 34:28) David fasted when he learned that Saul and Jonathan had been killed (2Samuel 1:12) Darius, King of Persia, fasted all night after he was forced to put Daniel in the lion's den (Daniel 6:18) Jesus fasted 40 days and 40 nights before his temptation by Satan (Matthew 4:2) and there are many more in the Old and New Testaments.  

Fasting is not a "diet" nor a reason to abstain from food rather it is to take my mind off the things of this world and focus on God. I am yearning for a deeper fellowship with Him.  Instead of turning to anything or anyone in this world for comfort.....I want to only get contentment, joy and true fellowship from the Lord.  I am looking for a personal revival asking the Holy Spirit to reveal any unconfessed sin in my life, to guard my walk with Him against complacency, to praise Him and give thanks to Him no matter what my circumstances, to hunger and thirst for righteousness, to meditate on His word and hide it in my heart and to pray without ceasing. 

Fasting is a very personal thing.  I am sharing this with you because I want to be held accountable and I desperately need your prayers. I will begin this Sunday the 5th, if you want to join me in doing this I would love to have the opportunity to be in prayer for you also. I love ya'll!!!

Xochimilco!

 Do you remember when we were at the International Learning Center in Virginia learning all about being missionaries? Our sweet friend Amy lived in our quad and the girls adored her:) Well, she has been serving in Peru all this time and she had to come to Mexico for some training. Yay! She spent the night with us last night and we all enjoyed her so much. The first picture is the girls with Ms. Amy in Virginia. Oh ....they both look like little babies in that picture:)

 So we took Ms. Amy to see one of the top 10 places in Mexico to experience and it is in our city where we live! We took a boat through the canals of Xochimilco.  I only took this picture because it had Elisabeth's name on it:) Not spelled the same but we thought it was cool. These are gondola type boats that are called Trajineras.  The arches often have female names on them such as “María” or “Juanita,” which may refer to someone special or is simply the name of the boat. They can be decorated with flowers but more often they are painted with floral and other designs. Under the trajineras used for tourists, there is a long table with chairs to allow for eating and drinking.  Along the three hour canal ride, they have Mariachi bands in other trajineras who will play for you, they have venders selling blankets, flowers, snacks and drinks in their own trajineras. They just pull up beside your boat and you can have whatever you want...for a price, of course:) They will even serve you lunch with a tablecloth and everything!

 Xochimilco is best known for its canals, which are left from what was an extensive lake and canal system which connected most of the settlements of the Valley of Mexico.  The canal route was not that long but there was beautiful scenery everywhere.

 Around the canals are little "islands". This is the "Island of Dolls". There were about 40 or so dolls hanging from these trees near the water. It was a little creepy.  There was a man named Julian Santana Barrera.   Santana Barrera was a loner, who was rarely seen in most of Xochimilco. He came to fame because he would collect the old broken bodies of dolls from the canals and the hang them from branches and tie them to tree trunks to  keep away evil spirits and appease the spirit of a dead girl he had found in the canal a few years before. He would state that he believed that the dolls were somehow still “alive” but “forgotten” by their owners.

Santana Barrera was there, living in a hut with no services and generally did not receive visitors, other than family. The display of dolls and parts attracted attention of the press. Eventually, he stated to them that the dolls were there to keep away evil spirits and to help with the harvests in his gardens. Santana Barrera died in 2001,there were many ideas on how he was killed, some say he drowned himself in the river because he was driven insane, others say the dolls came alive and killed him. But in fact he just died of old age and he may not be alive anymore but the dolls are still on the island, accessible by boat. Creepy but heartbreaking. 

 There were little Tienda's (store's) along the canal that sold desserts, cokes, ice cream, plants and there were a few restaurants but our guide told us they are only open on the weekend.

 There were many different houses around the canals that ranged from cardboard homes that squatters lived in to beautiful homes. We are so blessed to live in such a beautiful historic city!

It was unusually cold today and so we hope to go back when we the sun is shining but we had so much fun and were very tearful when we took our Ms. Amy to the bus stop tonight. Thank you for coming early to your meeting so we could have some special time with you! We are praying for you Amy and hope that you enjoy the rest of your week in Mexico!!!!  Viva Mexico!

Mexico City Zoo!

 (sigh) This is how I feel most days!

 Emma is the most graceful but yet clumsy child. Her hands and feet are always so poised and we constantly encourage her to take ballet lessons because she loves ballet. Anytime she is in a "funk", Greg pops in Swan Lake or The Nutcracker and she and her Daddy just snuggle and watch them dance. We were told by a dear friend that right near the zoo they actually perform Swan Lake on a lake...outside! We will definitely have to check it out.

 The zoo had three large panda bears. Lottie could have stood there for hours just watching them. I have to admit they are rather fascinating. All they do is sit and eat bamboo. What a life! They consume 34 pounds of bamboo a day.  Wow...what would that be like to sit around and just eat all day and never worry about your weight! lol

 Lottie, Emma, Mylee and Evie

 Daddy's girl:)

Some friends came into Mexico City and stayed for a couple of days so we were able to have them over to play and go to the zoo together. We were so grateful for this time with them. We pray they have a safe trip back to their little bitty ole' town of only 200,000 people and hope they had a good time with us big city folks:) Thank you Auntie Ann for taking us to the zoo and we love you Woods family and we are praying for you and your ministry!!!

Family Day!

 Pretty Emma, she is changing so much

 Well, she has all of the right "safety gear" on as she calls it but notice her feet? Yep....the girl can't live without her Old Navy flip flops:) Seriously, not that it is cold here but in the mornings it is chilly and other mom's question me constantly as to why she doesn't have on shoes and socks. We are spreading our rebellion around and starting with our little friend Camila, we brought her two pairs of flip flops back with us.  Maybe we'll start a new trend here? :)

 Emma taking a chocolate chip cookie break!

 I don't know why all my pictures are blurry all of the sudden? But this one is really precious....even blurry:)

 We saw a Mexican prairie dog today at the park! The most exciting part of our week. I told the girls we would study about it next week in school.  We stood there forever watching him/her work.  It was hard labor I tell ya! Moving the dirt out was a great physical effort and then once he got all of the dirt up and out of the hole........half of it would slide back down. Poor little guy! 

We watched him underground and we could see the soil and grass shaking and then all of the sudden his little head would pop up and he would take a big bite of grass back down with him. I looked up some information on Wikipedia about him when we got home. "Mexican prairie dogs live in excavated colonies, referred to as "towns", which they dig for shelter and protection. A typical town has a funnel-like entrance that slants down into a corridor up to 100 feet long, with side chambers for storage and nesting." 

We looked all around the park, actually we were in the "dog park" today. The "people park" was full of....well....as Lottie put it...."People who were falling in love" :) Our children get an "extra" education here.  So anyhoo, they rode their bikes and scooter in the dog park and there were these dirt mounds all over! I don't know why this is so fascinating but we really wanted to see what those tunnels and nests were like underneath. Did you know they can run up to 35 miles an hour? They have short legs! (sigh) Now I have no excuse to not exercise:)

We had an awesome Family Day!

Hearing from God

Oh my....poor Greg is stuck in a place with three females who miss James, Mark and Elisabeth like crazy! I am certain this was the worst "goodbye" ever. They seem to get harder and harder although people tell me they get easier? I've never quite understood how it could ever be easier when they are people we long to be with every single moment. Some people also tell us that it is not "goodbye" but "see you later" but still....no matter how you say it, it ends up being a very long period of time without seeing that person face to face. Hard! Actually, I used to be such a big girl and be strong for the little girls but this one was a doosey! I cried all the way from James' house until we landed in Mexico City...and I am still tearful if you ask me "How are you doing?" or "How was your trip?".

I'm writing all of this out because if someone else is going through this also, I have decided that it's OKAY! It's okay to grieve because this is a loss......this is something huge that we give up. We give up the girls growing up with grandparents, missing their friends and being near James, Elisabeth and Mark. I know all of the positives, no need to remind me. After all, I live here. I know we are supposed to be here and we love the people and we absolutely love sharing a Savior with them but......it's still okay to mourn our losses every now and then. I think it is healthy.

So after  week of crying episodes and finally settling into our routine again, I took the girls to the park in our neighborhood today after homeschool.  I can sit on a bench and watch them ride their scooters and bikes all around me without having to follow them and they are never far away from me, so it is nice.  I was sitting there reflecting on our time in Texas and feeling a little blue when all of the sudden a wave of emotion swept over my body.  Tears started flowing and it was as if I heard the Lord speak to me. I didn't hear an audible voice but I am telling you......He spoke to me and this is what He said, "You asked me to take care of James and Elisabeth, especially Elisabeth when you obeyed this call. I have provided her with not only a man who adores her and will love and honor her for the rest of her days but since you left, I have placed other people in her life as well to love her and show My love to her. Although, you have been through some trials, I have provided your little ones with the dearest Christian woman to work with them and you to help with their sensory issues. I have placed specific prayer warriors in your life to pray for you whenever you need them....some new friends....and some that have returned from days long ago....that was My doing.  I have provided you with a home where you are comfortable, a backyard with a swing set for the girls and a park in your very neighborhood for you to meet people.  All these blessings I have bestowed upon you because you love Me. All these things that you have asked of me, I have given to you."

So I have spent some time reflecting on these thoughts the Lord has given to me. I'm so thankful He didn't let me wallow around in the pool of self-pity but instead He reminded me of all the blessings in my life. He reminded me that He has never left my side nor my children's sides for one minute.  As I look back, each step of the way He has provided and placed just the right people in our path. I remembered the day we left Texas to move to Costa Rica and the complete hope and trust I had in Him to provide in every way for our family.

I listened to a sermon by John Piper during my quiet time this morning. As I was listening, he said this phrase and it made me sit up straight! "The deepest root of womanhood is hope in God". We are so many things to so many people......we are wives, cooks, maids, taxi drivers, care takers, hug givers, kissers of boo boo's, teacher's, counselor's and well...there are so many more.  But are those things the deepest root of our existence? I don't think so.....it is most certainly who we "are" to our families and friends but our deepest most profound root is our Hope in God.  Those who have this hope in the Lord know of the things to come in the future......those who have this hope in the Lord can find comfort in His arms and truly rest.....those who have this hope in the Lord can have a contagious way of giving this Hope to others.  May we all give someone a little Hope today...because the Hope we have to offer is the only way to live:)

Wedding!!!!