Different Children.....Different Needs

 I just read a new book! "Different Children, Different Needs" by Charles F. Boyd. If you haven't noticed I love to read. I don't really enjoy fiction as much as books that help me to be a better mom, wife, friend or Christian. Yes....I am a self-help in progress! lol  In all of my (almost) 28 years of parenting, I have not parented children such as Lottie and Emma. They are very different from James and Elisabeth and I am not talking about adoption issues, just personalities. They are also very different from me! So along with learning how to "teach" these different little people in school, I am also learning how to parent these God created unique little personalities. It was so easy with James and Elisabeth, James was like me and Elisabeth was just like Greg. I could relate easily to Elisabeth even though God did not design us in the same way because I was already married to someone just like her:)

So the book begins with a accurate translation of Proverbs 22:6. "Train up the child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it". I am not a theologian but the translation the author provides makes more sense to me than the way others have shared it with me.  He says, "Adopt the training of your child so that it is in keeping with his natural design, when he comes to maturity, he will not depart from that pattern of life." He goes on to say, "As parents, we need to discover our children's natural styles and help each one grow up according to his unique, inborn, God-given design.  As they experience the collisions of life, they will be more prone to return to who they really ARE, rather than becoming permanently bent out of shape by who you are trying to make them become.  Their self esteem will remain in tact. When God made you, He placed within natural strengths and abilities.  He wove those into the fabric of your inter being.  And those capabilities and potentialities are part of your unique design.  They were given to you to be used to accomplish things for Him." So, because He designed you uniquely as a result you feel fulfilled when you are acting according to your design and frustrated when you aren't.

Okay, so this is my situation. Lottie, Emma and I have completely different personalities. We clearly do not understand how the other person ticks. Not necessarily their job to know this but most certainly it is my job.  The author said it best when he described it as working against your unique design. "If you try to force a child into a mold she doesn't fit, you risk sending her a message, "I don't love you for who you are, I love you for how close you come to who I want you to be". Well, none of us want our children to ever think we are portraying that message.

So first I had to discover who we really are:)
Lottie: Fast paced, independent, takes risks, assertive, broad focus, goal-oriented, insecure, anxious, determined, courageous, direct, fearful, straight-forward, loves to be in control, impatient, a leader, stubborn,affectionate, blunt, faithful, introvert. They list things in the book as strengths and weaknesses but I am choosing not to look at them that way, to me, some can be turned into a positive. Lottie loves control. I always attributed this to "adoption" because of all other books I have read but after reading this book, I really think it is just how God designed her. Not a bad thing. Actually, none of the traits I will list for the three of us are bad....just different...because God made us differently.  It is just who we are.  This need for control is not an option, but a driving force in her life. She often feels an overwhelming need to be in control and will loudly and angrily declare her disapproval when things do not go her way. When she was only two years old she knew how to tie a knot. We would often find poor Emmie tied to a bathroom cabinet. I asked our sweet Dr. Becky what is the matter with her? Why does she do this? She said one word, "Control". We limit the amount of things she can "tie" around the house. A couple of weeks ago, I was in the kitchen and heard Greg say, "Lottie, do you want this ball of kite string?" I came flying out of the kitchen and looked at him as if he had lost his mind! lol  She is motivated to overcome any obstacle that stands between her and a goal she has set for herself. Hence, the reason we began listing goals because she loves accomplishing something because it instills confidence in herself. To add to this very loud way of expressing herself, whatever she is feeling, she feels it deeply. Anger, hurt, love or happiness she feels it with every muscle in her being. A bad thing? No, she is very passionate and you will never wonder "how she is feeling".

Emma: Slow paced, relaxed, easy-going, indecisive, cooperating, emotionally contained, holds onto her feelings rather than expressing them, not big on affection, compares herself to others, fear of criticism, agreeable, soft-hearted, resists change, easily manipulated, introvert and often unsociable. Most people would not believe the last thing but she really is, she enjoys time alone. My friend Stephanie and I would often worry about Emma and that Allie and Lottie were leaving her out. This last time we visited we noticed when Allie and Lottie were playing, Emma was playing by herself.  If she felt like joining the other two girls, she would and they would let her but most often, she prefers to play alone.

 Kim: Affectionate, sympathetic, feelings get hurt easily, a follower, does not like to make decisions for myself or others, anxious, love to be with people, avoids conflicts, forgetful, not assertive, dependent, trusting, easy-going, smothering, feeling, loves physical touch, extrovert, overprotective with my children,people pleaser(this is NOT a good quality, trust me)  and slow paced.

We are all very different but I would say that Emma and I have very similar characteristics. I read this book for one reason. To find out what in the world I am doing wrong with both girls! There is a barrier with both girls and after reading this book, I have figured it out. With Lottie, we have been in a control struggle for years. Well, that I knew already but how to handle it was a mystery.  Because of our different personalities, she likes to have control and I just like to have "peace" in the home. She is blunt with her words and I avoid conflict and would never dream of hurting someone's feelings. We are so very different.  The author suggests to give her areas that she "can" control in her life but to make sure she doesn't control me. Be firm, take strong stands, make strong statements and establish my authority. Wow, that is SO not me!  I have never been such a permissive mom but my fatigue that I have been experiencing I know is a factor. I am just too tired to deal with everything being a battle.  So we have been in the process of changing a few things so we can shape this strong child into a Godly leader and she is responding in a positive way.

With Emma, quite frankly, she is an introvert and I am an extrovert. I often see myself in Emma also, things I always wished were different about me. So, often I would try to make her think for herself and not be a follower but that was going against the grain for Emma....just like it would be for me. In essence, I was trying to make her be someone that I always wanted to be instead of accepting both of us just the way God made us.  Since I ceased in doing this, we are famous friends!

Another thing about both girls is their inability to express their feelings....appropriately. For Lottie, she screams her feelings at me. For Emma, well....you never know what she is feeling because she won't tell you. I used to think it was because she didn't know the words to use to express herself but I have come to believe that she is just introverted and very private and does not want people to know how she is feeling. THIS was our main problem.  Now, you can ask my big kids, I am a huge "feelings" type of person. If I think something is wrong with one of my children or my husband, I will ask a thousand questions to find out what is wrong. "If" they decide to tell me, I will talk the issue to death....to the point of it having a burial and a funeral! This book suggests that the proper way to handle this for Lottie, after her blow up, is to be silent. Oh dear....super hard for me!  Give her time to calm down and then approach the subject later. Obviously, if discipline is necessary that will have to be administered with some quiet time but by all means, do not talk about it until she is feeling calm and ready to talk. After she does share with me, I can then ask her three questions, "What do you think about your attitude?" "Do you need to ask forgiveness of anyone?" and "What can God teach you through this?" This is a great time of learning for her.  For Emma, she may need even a day or two to gather her feelings and try to find the right words to express herself.  I  lose so much sleep wondering what is going on in her head and biting my tongue. Most of the time she will come to me before bed and tell me she wants to talk to me but I have to let it be on her time and there is no dragging information out of Emma Jane. She completely shuts down when she is upset. You can't talk to her, hug her (which I do anyway) or reach her. You can look in her eyes and see that she is "checked out".  I am respecting this part of her personality but I still worry that she will not be able to express her feelings as she grows older. So we will keep working "lightly" on this area as to not cause her great stress and maybe as she matures, she will learn how to communicate what is in her heart.

This morning, Lottie came downstairs and was upset. Emma had hurt her feelings. I asked her what happened and she said that she "needed" to snuggle with Emma and Emma told her that her bed was her private space and she didn't want Lottie to lay there. She said, "Emma is mean". I explained that her sister was not mean but that snuggling and hugging are not high on her list of what her body needs. Lottie and I are snugglers and love touch but Emma is just different. I told her this is not a bad thing, this is just who she is and she quite frankly doesn't understand why people like us have to be so touchy feely all the time:)  Sometimes she is even awkward about the way we grab her and love on her. Okay, I probably need to work on this also:)

But both of these techniques have proven to be successful with both girls. I loved this book, I wish it wasn't on my kindle and I actually had the physical book in my hands, so I could write in it. The bottom line is, "Children are not things to be molded but people to be unfolded".  Everyone in the world was made unique.  There are tons of examples in the bible as well. Remember Paul and Barnabas?" In Acts 15: 36-41, they had a very strong disagreement, they even parted ways over John Mark.  Barnabas felt that John Mark deserved another chance but Paul was absolute and basically said no way, this work is too important to risk taking someone with a bad track record." Who is right?  The author points out that neither Paul nor Barnabas is wrong, they are just different.  Me, being people-oriented, would have done with Barnabas did and take John Mark under my wing and mentor him until he was completely restored. Lottie would have handled the situation as Paul did, he was task-oriented not people-oriented but look at his ministry.  He had a very fruitful ministry planting churches. He got the job done.

I am driving Greg crazy with this book. After church today he was completely energized by the two hour service, singing, people, the sermon....this is his element. Lottie was withdrawn, quiet and worn out. Greg immediately said, "What's the matter with Lottie?" This type of situation is stressful and an emotional drain for Lottie. Being around lots of people makes her anxious, tense and worn out. She slept all the way home, it took all of her energy to be in that type of uncomfortable situation. For Greg, he was ready to take on the world!

I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know but maybe I am being transparent with my family as a friendly reminder that we have to understand our children and how God made them. They are unique individuals....they will never fit into a particular mold that you or anyone else tries to fit them in. We have to not only understand them but accept them and their differences. "This will empower us to help them to be the person that God created them to be. Sometimes the qualities that we admire in them the most are the same qualities that frustrate us."

Chuck Swindoll was once asked what would be the greatest gift we could give our child? He said, "To give your child the time it takes to find out how she is put together.  Help them to know themselves so that they learn to love and accept themselves as they are.  Then, as they move into a society that seems so committed to pounding them into another shape, they will remain true to themselves, secure in their independent walk with their God."

"He also said, and I will conclude (finally...right??? I can't help myself...I'm a "sharer" remember?) with this quote, "I have begun to realize that secure, mature people are best described in fifteen words: They know who they are....They like who they are....They are who they are....They are real."

P.S. I forgot to mention something! Our neighbors next door told us they wanted us to come over for "cafe" this week! Oh we have been praying for friends and God has answered our prayers. Also, the church we attended today was so awesome.  They fell in love with the girls and there were lots of children. We were asked to be a part of their fellowship next week and the pastor asked Greg if he wanted to be a part of the Discipleship program on Tuesday nights! Well...Yes, he does!!! That is his special gift! Awesome blessings today.