Calling all Prayer Warriors!!

Remember this sweet little face? This is Chloe and she was our next door neighbor when we lived in Texas. She is the same age as Lottie and Emma and she is very sick.

She began having an excruciating headache last Saturday and vomiting. Her fever spiked up to 107 and her neck felt stiff. She is in Children's Hospital . They have confirmed that she does not have meningitis...praise God!  They have confirmed that she has pneumonia and her lungs are very full. Please pray for her and her family as the doctors continue to diagnose her and determine the best treatment for her and please pray that the antibiotics work and that she will not need surgery to drain her lungs.

I am asking you to pray without ceasing and to stand in the gap for this precious family.  Their hearts are so burdened and as the family of God we need to take this burden from them and do what we can to ease their pain. I wish I lived closer to help them so also please pray that the Lord will surround their family with lots of love, food and anything else their family needs. Please pray with me!

Dazzling your Kids with the Love of Jesus

I read two books last month:) This book was a good book. I think a couple of my toes got stepped on a few times and God used this book during my fast to show me a thing or two. I will start with my fasting. I wasn't going to write about my fast because well.....it was ugly. On the very day I began fasting, Lottie and Emma's behavior went haywire! I haven't written about this but while we were in Texas we saw an OT and both girls have a sensory processing disorder. I can talk more about this in a different post but I am only mentioning it because we began the "brushing" of their skin and the sensory activities in December and we have seen miracles happen right before our very eyes! One of the miracles is their behavior and their ability to finally be able to express their feelings without A) Emma going inside of herself and silently crying; B) Lottie screaming angry words that bounce off of the walls. Miracles I tell ya!

So back to my story, the VERY DAY I began fasting the "old ways" of dealing with their frustrations and feelings came back. And it stayed for two weeks....two weeks! I was thinking I would have this nice fast and this deeper relationship with the Lord and instead I am throwing myself at His feet begging Him to do something quick! Oh and also ashamed to admit that everything I said I wasn't going to eat for 40 days....I ate double!

Nothing.

Nothing for two weeks.

14 days.

And then He showed me. You see, I have some things that I have been clinging to.....God knows what they are and He wants them from me. It is not like me to have a tug-of-war with God but no matter how hard He has tried to pry them from my fingers....I am clinging to them. I have never had a control issue but these were "important" things and I just wasn't ready to give them up yet.  So on the 14th day, I was watching Lottie have the melt down of all melt downs (again) and I am looking at her and feeling whipped....done....stick a fork in me....you get the picture and then I see something. I see me! I see me in her! A rebellious child who will not submit to her Father and trust Him with these few things that He wants from me. I was sitting on the girls bed and I just laid down.....sprawled out on their bed and gave them to Him and began to cry. Immediately, I felt at peace again.

And this is what my little ones need also! Well, they still need therapy but on top of therapy they need buckets full of grace! We read the bible every day. Actually, Lottie can read her little Bible to us now and it seems like every story has questions in the back and they all pertain to obedience and trust. I have already noticed that both of my girls are confused about the law and grace. So today during our bible study, I made sure that I told them that God loves us just like a Father, NOT just when we are good.  The author says, "We are radically sinful and radically loved.  At the deepest level of what we do as parents, we should hear the heartbeat of a loving-grace giving-Father who freely adopts rebels and transforms them into loving sons and daughters".  I just love that don't you?

She also says, "The one encouragement we can always give our children is that God is more powerful than our sin and He's strong enough to make us want to do the right thing.  We can assure them that this help can reach everyone, even them.  Our encouragement should always stimulate praise for God's grace rather than for our goodness".

You see, "We (parents) have far too high a view of our ability to shape our children and far too low a view of God's love and trustworthiness.  This is devastating to the soul.  It cuts us off from the comforts of grace, the peace of conscience and the joy that is to be our strength". Ouchie! I have been trying to "fix" Lottie and Emma in my own strength and when I see my girls at their emotional worst.....I can now see a picture of my own heart.  I can hear God reminding me that the heart of this rebel is just like my own heart and I have to teach her about grace.  I can't change their hearts.....it is my job to teach them about His laws and His love but only God has the power to change hearts. I have forgotten that it is not my feeble attempts at parenting that are going to change them. I have forgotten that God is at work in them.  And that I "should pray with confidence that they will be changed. I must have confidence in His strength NOT my own". That alone makes me feel better:)

Dave Harvey said, "I thought parenting was going to portray my strengths, never realizing that God had ordained it to reveal my weaknesses". Wow! Is THAT not ever true! I'm not sure how but parenting can make you feel invincible and like a complete failure all at once:) It is a wild ride but it is the only job I have ever wanted.....I never had dreams of being anything but a wife and a mother.

I like what the author says here, "God teaches us of His grace and the gospel through difficult children.  We learn what it is like to love like He loved.  We learn to walk in His footsteps and it is there....in our own personal upper room...where we learn how to wash the feet of our children.  It is there, kneeling before the feet of our rebellious child that the REAL power of God is demonstrated".

Jesus said, Let the little children come to me......"He listened to their stories.  He drew them close.  He smiled warmly.  They had nothing to offer, nothing to give to Him.  All they had was responsive, humble, messy love.  They loved him because He had loved them.  And His love was all they needed".

I read this book at just the right time in my life.....in my situation. The author speaks very bluntly and this month I needed a "good talking to" so it was just what the doctor ordered. But I did not like the book in its entirety.  I do not agree with her theological explanation of Paul's "thorn" but I'm sure there are hundreds of interpretations of what that was.....for me.....it doesn't matter. All I know is that Paul did struggle and he was a pretty amazing follower of Christ. I also felt like she was encouraging parents to exasperate their children with the gospel in a lecturing type manner that would make them feel guilty for their behavior and that just rubs me the wrong way. I don't want to guilt my children into a relationship with Jesus. I want them to run to Him....willingly!  So I leave you with this comforting scripture, (Matthew 11:28030) Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light".

Reading that is like stepping outside during a rain shower and feeling the grace fall from heaven!

The Colors of Grief

THIS book is wonderful. I wish I would have read it before we adopted Lottie and Emma but I didn't and sometimes even when I feel I have read something "too late" it is really not too late, it may be just the right time that I needed to hear those words. For an adoptive mom, I have learned much about grief from my little ones. We all lose someone eventually in life. Some of us have lost loved ones throughout our lives for different reasons but I was specifically looking for a book that could help me understand their loss in a different way. I have not finished the book yet, I (ahem) have very little "free time" but I wanted to jot some thoughts down.

Lottie suffered from this tragic loss on the day she was born, her "birth" day. I have always known that the anger my sweet girl feels is from this day. The second loss she suffered from was the day we met her when we took her from everything she knew.

Emma was a different story. Emma suffered loss when she was 17 months old, when her first mom had to put her in a children's home and then again when she was 18 months old, when she was removed from the home by her first mom and taken to an adoption agency. Then she suffered loss again when she was removed from her first foster family and then her second foster family and she even suffered loss from the short 23 hours she traveled with a Korean student to meet us in a Texas airport. That was a short relationship for her.....but still....that was loss. I was there and I remember her suffering.

The book describes the initial loss as this "Someone never returned, a very important, very precious person to who she "was" and who she would "become"-a critical, essential person in her every day life.  A dark looming cloud fell over her world, forcing her to take a journey of recovery from her very deep wound." Most of our little ones were abandoned on the day they were born. Don't think for one second that our children didn't know the feel of their mother's touch or the sound of their voices. They knew that.....they felt it every day they were in their womb. The author goes on to say, "Losing a primary caregiver-ESPECIALLY the mother- ESPECIALLY when the child is young can the the MOST difficult grief to heal, because the child's entire life picture has drastically shifted.  Her world has shattered.  Her beliefs have been shaken.  Flooded with strong and confusing emotions the child may shut down or fall into despair.  Raw emotions abound.  Infants cry.  Toddlers scream and throw tantrums." (emphasis was mine)

I have read books upon books upon books to my girls that will prompt questions inside of their hearts about their experiences. They are completely different. Emma has stories of fantasy about her first mom...well...some could be true, I don't know but I just listen to her and smile along with her because she loves to tell these stories. They always change. For over six years, Lottie only wants to hear "her story" from the day we met her. Never wanting to talk about her time in the orphanage or her mother. Do I know anything about that time? No, unfortunately I don't but does she need to talk about it? Absolutely! Last week, she did. She finally asked the hard questions and guess what? She is mad! She is so angry inside about what happened to her. I won't share all that she said because these are her private feelings and trust me....THIS is one private child! But I will share one feeling because it is important for adoptive parents and friends and family of adoptive parents to hear this. I did not give her this thought. I have never even told her about the "one child policy" or that only girls were abandoned. All of us know what our children can handle and she is way too sensitive to process that at seven years of age. She only knows her mother could not, for reasons unknown to us, take care of her. Before I tell you, I want to stress that you be honest with your children but be sure you only tell them what they are emotionally mature enough to handle. Only you know your child and her heart. Please be careful with their story. So, the other night we were laying in bed after our prayers and singing time and she wanted to ask me some questions. This took a very long time for her. She kept putting her blankie over her head.....she hid in the covers....she thought I was going to think she was "weird" etc. Do you see how hard this is for them? I kept assuring her that these are her feelings and they belong to her. She has every right to feel whatever she is feeling.

She finally told me.

She finally said it aloud for the world to hear.

She is mad.

She is angry mad!

She asked me all about the day the "stranger" found her (although she never asked where) and how do they know that was the day she was born. We talked all about the umbilical cord and how doctors can examine it and measure it to see the age of a baby. Well, then she was furious and began crying. I held her for the longest time and then she said this:

"Mommy, if that is true and the day they found me was my real birthday. That means I didn't get to spend ONE.WHOLE.DAY with my Mom. I am so mad at China. I do not like them."

Do you see that? Do you feel that? I'm her Mom and I feel it! I feel that anger and sadness.....ohhhh how I wish I had answers for her and I assured her that I was mad at them too because anything that breaks my baby girl's heart....breaks mine also. My daughter's are happy most of the time but something....anything can happen and wham...Emma has gone inside of herself or just silently cries or Lottie has an emotional breakdown. Over what? I never know. It just happens. Who knows what it is....it could be a smell or a phrase they hear or something in a movie they watch. The thing is....they don't even know the trigger...it just comes back....like a wave of sadness.

Why am I sharing these intimate things with you? Because I want you to LOOK for their grief. "Grief is a difficult journey.  Grief is not logical. No one chooses to be sad.  One just feels it.  Grief ungulfs us like a sudden eruption as our heart spills over."

Do you remember the day you met your adopted child? I mean....really remember....through their eyes. This next part of the book will sting a little and I don't want anyone to be hurt or beat themselves up for it but just try to read it through the eyes of your child. "These children (from China) are often brought wearing 3-4 layers of clothing even in the heat of August.  When the new parents take the child up to the hotel room, some parents begin to remove often smelly, sweaty and dirty layers of clothes and bathe the naked child, believing that doing so will allow their newly adopted daughter or son to "feel much better". BUT with each layer of clothes being removed, the child experiences a "derobement" of familiarity, the hidden regulators wrapped in these pieces of clothing-familiar scents, textures that were stroked, twisted and pulled; temperatures and weights from the layers; colors and patters that were visually explored; and tastes from sucking and picking. Stripped of her clothing the child's physical loss generates a deep insecurity.  So much of what she knew is gone.  So much of what is present is foreign.  The layers of clothes contained "connections" to home and family; safety and security." Now, I will say that I think some adoptive parents are very naive about this but I believe it to be true....every single word!

I will never forget the smell of my girls when I first held them....ever. It was a sweaty, dirty, sweet sort of smell and I was never offended by it. I had waited to hold them for so long that when I buried my nose in their little necks and breathed all of them in......I felt like I knew who they were. Lottie came to us in little green pj's...no socks...no layers...that's it. Her little monkey toes were so dirty. I thought she had large dark birthmarks across her neck, legs and tummy but it was dirt....that had been there a long time. Don't forget...it is not cultural to bathe your children every day in China. I would venture to say a very small percentage have a basin to bathe their children in. Especially in the winter months they will just wash them off. Dirt on your child does not mean they were neglected. You must forget your American ideals when you enter into another culture. Please don't bathe them on their first night with you, it is very traumatic for them.

She never cried. She just stared at all of us....soaking in the moment....storing everything in her mind. She was traumatized.....scared out of her mind but this is how she deals with fear. She is quiet and analytical. She is a thinker. When we got to the hotel, we fed her and we tried to put her to sleep in the crib. She began to sob so I scooped her up and put her beside me in the bed....she began to sob. So I picked her up in her little green pj's and put her on top of me with her little dirty face on my chest so she could hear my heartbeat....and she fell asleep rocking herself and sucking her thumb. I remember going to sleep with the smell of her hair in my face and crying....silently...because I knew that she laid on a piece of plywood each night for nine months rocking herself to sleep and sucking her thumb with a little towel. She still has those pj's and we have never washed them. We have them here in Mexico with us in my top drawer, they mean something to her. Smell is very important to Lottie, I have talked about that before.She just now stopped sucking her thumb but she will do it if she is very upset. This is sort of a pet peeve of mine and just my own personal opinion but don't take that away from your adopted child....that way of soothing themselves. I have read blogs where people try to get rid of the paci's or stop them from sucking their thumbs while they are still in China, I don't understand that....I really don't.

We met Emma in an airport in Austin, Texas. She flew in with a Korean student who went to UT. She clung to her. In that short 24 hours, she had grown even an attachment to this precious young woman. One might I add who smelled and spoke just like they did in her family. When the student finally had to leave, Emma began screaming .... and screamed and screamed. I was frantically going through her bag trying to find something that would be familiar to her and I grabbed a white blankie, I laid it over her face for her to smell and she passed out....cold.  She woke up when we got to Dallas with a big smile on her face. Was Emma suffering like Lottie? Yep....but she handles it differently. Emma escapes from her feelings by acting like nothing is happening. She flees from all of her feelings! She goes deep inside of herself and just stays there. She kicked and screamed in that airport fighting her way back to where she came from....she was not having any of it....I was perspiring all over the place....she was strong and determined and then finally she decided...okay...I'm out of here....and passed out. 

"When trauma occurs, a child unconsciously builds an invisible wall to hide her pain and shut out terror.  To lose their primary caretaker (mom, grandmother, foster mom, nanny) as an infant shocks the undeveloped mind and body and instills a lingering fear of abandonment.  This develops into insecurity.  Insecurity is often accompanied by an anxious belief that "It could happen again". Lottie has never verbalized these words to me but her actions show it and we are working on this in a fierce way. Trust is a long and winding road:)

People say to me that there is no way, especially Lottie, can have memories or feelings that she remembers from that day. WRONG!!! (insert buzzer sound here)  "A 0-2 year old physically experience the facts of a significant loss, because of the abrupt removal of the hidden regulators which causes the child's body to become dysregulated. The body remembers even when the child lacks the explicit memory that has yet to emerge".

They remember, they don't know the details if they were brought into your family at an early age....but they remember those feelings. They are stored in their memories in a way that I will never understand. They can be brought back up to the surface by an new trauma in their life. New teachers; new school, new friends. new...anything.

This loss doesn't go away. Yes.....love can heal many things and I believe in a Savior that can heal anyone but we have to be able to see our child's pain and grief. Is your child ever upset or blow up for no apparent reason and after explosion or melt down you wonder where in the world that came from? They don't have the words to verbalize their feelings because they didn't have the words when it happened. We have to look for these moments....we have to be there to prompt questions and read them books....we cannot turn our heads the other way and think that our love fixes everything because it doesn't.....it just doesn't. Their little minds cannot even begin to grasp what happened to them until they are at least 20 years old. Please don't wait until then to educate yourself on loss.....if you look....very closely.....you will be able to see your child's world through their eyes. Take the time to really listen to what is in their hearts....they are dying inside for you to know......they need to trust you with the most important detail of their precious little lives. Make sure that door is always open.

The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard but must be felt with the heart (Author Unknown)

Thumbprints, fasting and praying!

 We have discovered the funnest items for creativity! I was exploring all over the internet for different ways  the girls can get their hands dirty and have fun at the same time. Now that may sound easy for your children but both of mine have sensory issues and this is really hard for them. So, while we were in Texas we bought some Melissa & Doug stamp pads and a Drawing book for thumbprints. The girls love them! Of course, we have a box of baby wipes right by their little tables for wiping off the ink:)

 Lottie has an incredible imagination. See how much fun she had? She made a lion for a sun and she made a little tienda outside where people were lined up to buy tacos for only 10 pesos.  What a bargain!  She has a little forest on the left with a Mexican cactus and even a snail on the flower.

She also made a knight riding on his horse to kill a dragon!  Oh and the blue fingerprints above are raindrops:)

Emma doesn't enjoy it as much as Lottie but she is trying. This is a mermaid family. Anytime that Emma draws anything....there is a Daddy, a Mommy, and a little girl:) Always! Check out the beak on the little baby bird in the tree! Emma was so upset because she said she messed up, they are both perfectionists (sigh). We giggled together when I told her that his beak was so big because he liked giant fat worms! 

There are many different types of these books and we can't wait to get some more when we go back home! Your kids will love them and for us ....they are wonderful sensory activities:)

After much thought......I have decided to fast and pray for 30 days.  I have never fasted before for a long period of time.  I have noticed since I came back from Texas that I am drinking way too much Diet Coke, craving sugar, potatoes and bread. Those are all comfort foods...and drink (well, not as much as Diet Mountain Dew...but I digress) and my focus needs to be elsewhere....on the Lord. So...you ask...what is fasting?

I'm certain there are tons of way that people fast and pray and often times I'm sure it is not even a spiritual type of event.  For me, fasting will be a way to give up something that I am depending on to make me feel content when what I really should be doing is focusing on prayer and fellowship with God.  What I am really trying to do is force myself to focus and rely on God for strength, provision and wisdom.  I know you must be thinking, why does a missionary have to force herself to focus on God? Well, because I am human and I live among people who are desperate in more ways than you can imagine and often....I just feel darkness all around me and I yearn to just feel the light of Jesus shining so brightly down on me that I think of nothing else except Him.

I have been searching through the bible for the different scriptures and situations regarding fasting and praying. Moses fasted for 40 days and 40 nights on Mount Sanai when he was receiving the laws from God. (Exodus 34:28) David fasted when he learned that Saul and Jonathan had been killed (2Samuel 1:12) Darius, King of Persia, fasted all night after he was forced to put Daniel in the lion's den (Daniel 6:18) Jesus fasted 40 days and 40 nights before his temptation by Satan (Matthew 4:2) and there are many more in the Old and New Testaments.  

Fasting is not a "diet" nor a reason to abstain from food rather it is to take my mind off the things of this world and focus on God. I am yearning for a deeper fellowship with Him.  Instead of turning to anything or anyone in this world for comfort.....I want to only get contentment, joy and true fellowship from the Lord.  I am looking for a personal revival asking the Holy Spirit to reveal any unconfessed sin in my life, to guard my walk with Him against complacency, to praise Him and give thanks to Him no matter what my circumstances, to hunger and thirst for righteousness, to meditate on His word and hide it in my heart and to pray without ceasing. 

Fasting is a very personal thing.  I am sharing this with you because I want to be held accountable and I desperately need your prayers. I will begin this Sunday the 5th, if you want to join me in doing this I would love to have the opportunity to be in prayer for you also. I love ya'll!!!